Do you find it difficult to commit to relationships?
Do you have unfinished business with your father?
Have your relationships been affected by unresolved issues with your father?
Are you comfortable expressing your sexuality?
Do you struggle with authority figures in the workplace or elsewhere?
Do you want to make peace with an absent or deceased father?If we want to start building a new way of relating to our partners in our relationships, it is essential that we build strong foundations for the house we inhabit: our being, made up of our body, mind, emotions and spirit. Sometimes this means making totally new foundations. For us to begin this process, we must get to know ourselves and become aware of various themes and dynamics that work under the surface. Until recently, these things were hardly spoken about or discussed, let alone considered and worked upon.
One of these underlying dynamics stems from the first two relationships we had in our lives: the one with our mum and the one with our dad.
I’d like to start with the latter, because I feel it’s often overlooked and generally less discussed.
In past blogs, I’ve touched on addictive relationships, mature love vs. codependent relationships and most recently, the higher purpose of addictive relationships.
I lived a whole life attracting unhealthy relationships. Since 2001, I’ve been seeing clients and friends go through the hurdles and pain of addictive relationships and remaining blind to the fact that each new man was leading them to repeat a toxic cycle. I’ve been heavily involved and engaged with this topic for 21 years, which led me to understand that there is in fact a purpose in attracting these kinds of relationships. A higher purpose that invites us to expand, not necessarily to make us happy.
I think we need to first understand that the bond we create in all of our adult relationships with me and women, depends from those first two relationships with our mother and father. If we had parents, it’s crucial to consider our relationship with them in order to become aware of the dynamics in our current relationships with others and ourselves.
So let’s start with fathers.
Did you know that our ability to sustain satisfying or committed relationships, find gratification in our work life, be effective parents, speak up and assert ourselves, is largely dependent on the relationship we had and have with our fathers?
Our relationships with our fathers is a powerful bond that’s been rarely closely examined until recent years. It was overlooked as a major influence on a child’s development and quality of life, as is the impact our relationship with our fathers have on our own mothers. This relationships has an enormous and long-lasting influence on a child, which continues through out their adult life.
We might not realise it, but countless areas that concern our personal lives and well-being are linked to the kind of relationship we had with our dads.
Over the 17 years that I worked and interviewed clients, I met people from all walks of life and the issue that seemed to come up time and time again was the relationship difficulties that stemmed from unresolved ‘daddy issues’ (as it’s popularly coined). This is especially the case when it comes to women, however also men’s relationships and their attitude towards them can be affected by a healthy or unhealthy relationship with their fathers.
The biggest problem in relationships is usually the inability to commit, fear of abandonment, lack of communication, poor emotional intelligence and/or understanding of themselves and their partners.
All of these are relevant to and in our adult life, but I’d like to take the time to discuss the first two: inability to commit and fear of abandonment.
They are two sides of the same coin and usually stem from experiences with the following types of fathers:
What makes the presence of our dads in our lives so impactful and relevant? In observing my own story and that of my clients and several friends around the world, I’d answer that question by saying…
There’s so much to be said about the Father Figure, too much for one blog alone. So I’d like to summarise some of the most important points.
Six Ways Our Fathers Influence Who We Are:
CONCLUSION The importance of fathers as emotional, intellectual and spiritual nurturers has been largely neglected for too long. Maybe if it had not been, we’d be at a more progressed stage of overcoming global issues surrounding gender inequality, such as sexual harassment and domestic violence.
TOOLS If and when we realise that it is necessary to confront unresolved issues with our Father Figure, which as I’ve outlined affect our present relationship with ourselves and others, the best way to start resolving and facing the unresolved would be:
*** Until recently Narcissism was labelled as a personality disorder. There is a wide spectrum of narcissism, which would be so beneficial for children and families to learn about and consider. Many children of narcissists blindly repeat patterns of dysfunctional and inadequate love. We become out of touch with thoughts and feelings and as we grow up we might be able to notice certain habits but not our blind spots. We end up choosing narcissistic patterns with whom we will continue struggling with for love. Read more about this topic on my blog about Narcissism.
A true Narcissist Dad is often self-centred and very successful (although there are often unsuccessful ones). They are charming and see others as objects in their climb to success. Morality is often relative for a narcissist so it's common that they damage relationships with their wives and children along the way. They struggle to feel guilt or empathy, but have a trigger spot that when activated can lead them to see red. When they rage they can really hurt through saying nasty things that they really mean. Even when dealing with kids, a narcissist wants to win. They must always get their way no matter the cost. As a child of a Narcissist, you might show several narcissistic traits too or turn into a victim who often attracts other narcissists.
This article was featured on Thrive Global
The following blog posts go into more detail on some of the topics and themes touched on above:
Why Am I Addicted to Toxic Relationships?
Authentic Love vs. Inauthentic Love
The Purpose of Addictive Relationships
Everyone is a Narcissist, Everyone is a Victim
header image by Katherine Chase
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► Elisabetta Franzoso is a multi continental Life and Wellness Coach practicing between Barcelona, London, Milan and Singapore where she has many loyal clients.
► Elisabetta empowers men and women to master their mind, body and personal relationships through renewing their confidence and building a sense of wellness. She does this through her unique Coaching In 4 Dimensions framework which takes into account the physical, emotional, intellectual and relational aspects of humanity.
► Elisabetta will inspire you to live the life you want to live, maximise your potential and achieve self mastery. Aside from coaching, Elisabetta is a passionate social activist and spokesperson against abuse.
► Elisabetta has been featured extensively across international and UK press including Thrive Global, Grazia Magazine, Breathe Magazine and Health & Wellbeing Magazine. Stay up to date with Elisabetta at instagram.com/elisabettafranzoso and www.elisabettafranzoso.com
Being a dope black dad
A Father Awakes
.. This ain't not boast, this is shame talking.... !!
August 8, 2017
The government has announced plans to extend the planned closure of the Child Support Agency.
The timed shutdown of the notorious government agency began in 2012 following the introduction of successor organisation the Child Maintenance Service (CMS), with open cases being gradually transferred to the new body. This process was due for completion at the end of this year.
However, the government now wants to extend the shutdown programme for a further year, to December 31 2018, and has launched an open consultation on the proposal.
The CMS claims the transition has been delayed by staffing shortages and time-consuming policy changes, such as the introduction of universal credit.
You can read more here. The deadline for responses is September 13.
Photo by Allison via Flickr under a Creative Commons licence.
Stowe Family Law Web Team
View more from this author
By:John Bolch July 11, 2017
Or: How do you resolve the problem of the alienated child?
The family courts are regularly criticised for failing to deal with the issue of parental alienation. Not only do they fail to deal with it, say the critics, but often they appear to be positively rewarding the ‘guilty’ parent. The recent case Q v R (intractable contact), however, demonstrates the difficulties that the courts have in resolving this awful problem.
Q v R concerned two boys, S and T, who are now aged twelve and eight. Their parents separated in 2011, the boys remaining with their mother. For a short time the boys had regular contact with their father, but difficulties arose in or around August 2012. A month later we get a telling glimpse of what is to come:
“In September 2012 T’s nursery made a referral to the local authority concerned that ‘mum appears blinkered and appears focused on dad and not letting him see the children’.”
In the following month the father applied for a contact order. Sadly, the parents have been involved in court proceedings ever since. There is too much to summarise all of the subsequent events here, but some of the most important ones were as follows:
The position of the parties was that the mother was clear that she wanted no order for contact. She said that the wishes of the children should be respected, and that she had not influenced them against their father – their wishes were based upon their own experiences of him. The father wanted contact to be re-established, asserting that the mother was fundamentally opposed to the idea of him seeing the children, and that for many years she had acted in a deliberate and manipulative way in order to frustrate any contact that happened. The position of the children’s guardian demonstrated the difficulties that HHJ Vincent faced:
“The guardian does consider that the mother has influenced the children in a number of different ways to hold a false belief system about their father, and that she is incapable of promoting any kind of relationship between them. The guardian regards the mother as falling seriously short in terms of her ability to exercise the responsibilities and duties of a parent. However, the guardian is of the view that, even if based on a false belief system, the boys’ views are genuinely held, and should be listened to and given weight. On this basis the guardian considers that the proceedings should be brought to an end and orders for indirect contact only be made.”
Further to this, HHJ Vincent had the benefit of a report from a child and adolescent psychiatrist, Dr Misch. He said that in his view the mother had repeatedly sabotaged contact, and he considered that the mother’s extremely negative views of the father were picked up by the children. However, he agreed with the view of the guardian that any order for contact would be very likely to repeat the same cycle as before – the children would then continue to be caught up in the parental dispute and the overall effect upon their well-being would be overwhelming negative.
HHJ Vincent made adverse findings regarding the mother, which she summarised as follows: “she has in my judgment failed her children by allowing and encouraging them to build up in their minds the idea that their father is a dangerous man and that they are not safe with him.”
Notwithstanding this, HHJ Vincent decided against re-establishing direct contact. She explained:
“After very careful consideration I have come to the conclusion with a very heavy heart that I should not force the boys to have contact against their wishes. My reasons are as follows:
(a) I have to have regard to the views of the very experienced children’s guardian and Dr Misch, both of whom advise me against this course of action. Both have come to their final recommendations after very careful consideration. Their opinions were based on sound evidence and their own robust professional assessments and I have no good reason to depart from their views;
(b) I am satisfied there is a real and significant risk of emotional harm to the boys in the ways described above if they are forced to see their father when they have consistently said they do not want to see him;
(c) There is a real and significant risk in this case that this is what I characterise as a ‘running into the road case’ by which I mean because the children have expressed such strong views that they do not wish to be with their father they might put themselves in harm’s way if made to see him against their wishes”.
HHJ Vincent did make an order for indirect contact with the boys, including writing to them six times a year and, as they get older, contact via phone, email and social media. She said of this:
“I appreciate that these suggestions are meagre and visit a grave injustice on both the father and the boys. I appreciate he may feel the mother who has been found to be at fault nonetheless has her way. I have however come to my conclusions after anxious and careful consideration and in the particular circumstances of the case I regret to say that this is the limited extent to which I am able to grant the father’s application, having regard at all times to the welfare of the boys as my paramount consideration.”
Pain of the dads who miss out
10 Jun 2017
Now 91, David Attenborough says he regrets not being at home in the evening for his children and missing out on their younger years. He is not alone. Millions of dads — from lorry drivers to soldiers — have sacrificed family time to provide for their loved ones.
My father worked nights and was often away on business trips. Although I missed him, I quickly learned it’s not the quantity of time a father spends with his children, it’s the quality that builds lasting love.
I’m sure Sir David's children treasure the moments he burst through the door, full of laughter and tales from his travels. In a world of separated or just feckless fathers, all that matters is that dad comes home.
Judges not listening..?
Posted: 22 May 2017 10:00 PM PDT
A Norwich man has demanded that Judges publish details of his long-running dispute over contact with his daughter.
The father claims the court battle started not long after his child was born and has yet to be resolved even though the girl is now ten years old. He has reportedly spent more than £500,000 on various legal costs during this time and has attended hearings in six courts across two areas of England.
He has been fighting for the right to spend more time with his daughter and insists that she wants more time with him as well. However, he claims that the various Judges who have heard his case have not listened to the girl’s wishes.
In addition to the publication of the various judgments made on the matter, the father also wants his case to be examined by President of the Family Division Sir James Munby. He told reporters that he wants Sir James “to see if he thinks the process has been fair and transparent”.
The man continued:
“I don’t think justice has been done to me. More importantly I don’t think justice has been done to my daughter.”
Publishing the judgments was important for the public, the father added, because “people should be given some idea of what happens so that lessons are learned”.
Meanwhile, researchers from Cardiff University analysed over 800 published judgments and found that very few Judges sent more than ten cases to Bailii for publishing. The researchers said their findings suggest that “guidance given to judges to routinely publish their judgments is not being consistently followed”. As a result, the public is left with “a patchy understanding of the family justice system”.
What does it mean to be a man?
Are you puzzled about what it means to be a man nowadays?
This is a interesting article from the US a few years ago
Fathers.. you're needed