Do you find it difficult to commit to relationships?
Do you have unfinished business with your father?
Have your relationships been affected by unresolved issues with your father?
Are you comfortable expressing your sexuality?
Do you struggle with authority figures in the workplace or elsewhere?
Do you want to make peace with an absent or deceased father?If we want to start building a new way of relating to our partners in our relationships, it is essential that we build strong foundations for the house we inhabit: our being, made up of our body, mind, emotions and spirit. Sometimes this means making totally new foundations. For us to begin this process, we must get to know ourselves and become aware of various themes and dynamics that work under the surface. Until recently, these things were hardly spoken about or discussed, let alone considered and worked upon.
One of these underlying dynamics stems from the first two relationships we had in our lives: the one with our mum and the one with our dad.
I’d like to start with the latter, because I feel it’s often overlooked and generally less discussed.
In past blogs, I’ve touched on addictive relationships, mature love vs. codependent relationships and most recently, the higher purpose of addictive relationships.
I lived a whole life attracting unhealthy relationships. Since 2001, I’ve been seeing clients and friends go through the hurdles and pain of addictive relationships and remaining blind to the fact that each new man was leading them to repeat a toxic cycle. I’ve been heavily involved and engaged with this topic for 21 years, which led me to understand that there is in fact a purpose in attracting these kinds of relationships. A higher purpose that invites us to expand, not necessarily to make us happy.
I think we need to first understand that the bond we create in all of our adult relationships with me and women, depends from those first two relationships with our mother and father. If we had parents, it’s crucial to consider our relationship with them in order to become aware of the dynamics in our current relationships with others and ourselves.
So let’s start with fathers.
Did you know that our ability to sustain satisfying or committed relationships, find gratification in our work life, be effective parents, speak up and assert ourselves, is largely dependent on the relationship we had and have with our fathers?
Our relationships with our fathers is a powerful bond that’s been rarely closely examined until recent years. It was overlooked as a major influence on a child’s development and quality of life, as is the impact our relationship with our fathers have on our own mothers. This relationships has an enormous and long-lasting influence on a child, which continues through out their adult life.
We might not realise it, but countless areas that concern our personal lives and well-being are linked to the kind of relationship we had with our dads.
Over the 17 years that I worked and interviewed clients, I met people from all walks of life and the issue that seemed to come up time and time again was the relationship difficulties that stemmed from unresolved ‘daddy issues’ (as it’s popularly coined). This is especially the case when it comes to women, however also men’s relationships and their attitude towards them can be affected by a healthy or unhealthy relationship with their fathers.
The biggest problem in relationships is usually the inability to commit, fear of abandonment, lack of communication, poor emotional intelligence and/or understanding of themselves and their partners.
All of these are relevant to and in our adult life, but I’d like to take the time to discuss the first two: inability to commit and fear of abandonment.
They are two sides of the same coin and usually stem from experiences with the following types of fathers:
What makes the presence of our dads in our lives so impactful and relevant? In observing my own story and that of my clients and several friends around the world, I’d answer that question by saying…
There’s so much to be said about the Father Figure, too much for one blog alone. So I’d like to summarise some of the most important points.
Six Ways Our Fathers Influence Who We Are:
CONCLUSION The importance of fathers as emotional, intellectual and spiritual nurturers has been largely neglected for too long. Maybe if it had not been, we’d be at a more progressed stage of overcoming global issues surrounding gender inequality, such as sexual harassment and domestic violence.
TOOLS If and when we realise that it is necessary to confront unresolved issues with our Father Figure, which as I’ve outlined affect our present relationship with ourselves and others, the best way to start resolving and facing the unresolved would be:
*** Until recently Narcissism was labelled as a personality disorder. There is a wide spectrum of narcissism, which would be so beneficial for children and families to learn about and consider. Many children of narcissists blindly repeat patterns of dysfunctional and inadequate love. We become out of touch with thoughts and feelings and as we grow up we might be able to notice certain habits but not our blind spots. We end up choosing narcissistic patterns with whom we will continue struggling with for love. Read more about this topic on my blog about Narcissism.
A true Narcissist Dad is often self-centred and very successful (although there are often unsuccessful ones). They are charming and see others as objects in their climb to success. Morality is often relative for a narcissist so it's common that they damage relationships with their wives and children along the way. They struggle to feel guilt or empathy, but have a trigger spot that when activated can lead them to see red. When they rage they can really hurt through saying nasty things that they really mean. Even when dealing with kids, a narcissist wants to win. They must always get their way no matter the cost. As a child of a Narcissist, you might show several narcissistic traits too or turn into a victim who often attracts other narcissists.
This article was featured on Thrive Global
The following blog posts go into more detail on some of the topics and themes touched on above:
Why Am I Addicted to Toxic Relationships?
Authentic Love vs. Inauthentic Love
The Purpose of Addictive Relationships
Everyone is a Narcissist, Everyone is a Victim
header image by Katherine Chase
If what I've written has resonated with you and you think I could be the right support for you, feel free to get in touch and schedule a Free 30 Minute Consultation by clicking the button below.
► Elisabetta Franzoso is a multi continental Life and Wellness Coach practicing between Barcelona, London, Milan and Singapore where she has many loyal clients.
► Elisabetta empowers men and women to master their mind, body and personal relationships through renewing their confidence and building a sense of wellness. She does this through her unique Coaching In 4 Dimensions framework which takes into account the physical, emotional, intellectual and relational aspects of humanity.
► Elisabetta will inspire you to live the life you want to live, maximise your potential and achieve self mastery. Aside from coaching, Elisabetta is a passionate social activist and spokesperson against abuse.
► Elisabetta has been featured extensively across international and UK press including Thrive Global, Grazia Magazine, Breathe Magazine and Health & Wellbeing Magazine. Stay up to date with Elisabetta at instagram.com/elisabettafranzoso and www.elisabettafranzoso.com
Being a dope black dad